Fellowship Required

"No man is an island."

We have heard that before, and we know that is the truth. But how many times does it feel like we are an island - totally alone, surrounded by a sea of people??

Far too often.

For a painfully long period of time in my life, I went to a church where the people all thought that they were their own little islands. Fellowship was not a necessary part of their lives. They didn't need friends. The lifestyle that resulted was very foreign to me, and I really struggled with it. Keep in mind I am the friendly girl from Big City, Northeast, settling into the vastly different culture of Small Town, South.

I felt like I was alone in life, in my spiritual life, even at church. It was painful and lonely. In fact that isolation that I felt was what inspired me to write a blog. I just wanted to fellowship with someone.

After many months of that lonely, isolated lifestyle, our situation has changed a little, and let me tell you...

Fellowship is required!!!

It's a necessary part of life. Now I know that some people require less fellowship than others, but it is still important. There needs to be people in your life whom you can speak with about serious matters, about fun matters, and about spiritual matters.

In the last two weeks, I have had more fellowship with such precious fellow Christians, than I have had in the last year. It has been so refreshing!

An older lady and spiritual mentor simply encouraged me to stay faithful to the Lord and shared some of her life experiences and how God has worked in her life. I was able to laugh a friend, catch up with another. Share burdens and trials, what I have learned and how I have grown, with another friend.

I have been spiritually encouraged and challenged. The fellowship has made an impact on my life in a way that I have not experienced for months. If there is anything that I have learned...

Fellowship is required.

How Far Would You Go?

Where He leads me I will follow, I'll go with Him all the way. 

When God calls you to serve Him in any particular capacity, how far are you willing to go to serve Him?

That question seems to come up in my life quite often. When I was a teenager I committed to follow Jesus wherever He chose to go. Put me on the mission field in Russia or China? Bring it! Serve as a layman? Let's do it! Whatever He wants me to do - that's what I want to do! 

And God has put me to the test... multiple times. When I was looking at colleges, I knew that the Lord wanted me to go into ministry. I wasn't totally sure what capacity He wanted me in ministry, but I knew full-time ministry was in my future. That's what God wanted for me. The problem was I wanted to go to one college that focused on ministry, and my parents wanted me to go to a different college that focused on education. Both were great schools. Both would give me the opportunity to serve in full-time ministry. But my parents wanted me to go to this other school. 

As a person who was living in my parents' home and planned on continuing to do that until I graduated from college, and as a person whose parents were helping to pay for college, I knew that I had to obey them - to go to the school of parents choosing. That was following God. Even though deep down in my heart, I personally felt that I should go to the ministry school. God had given my parents responsibility over me, and He had given me the responsibility to obey my parents. How many times had I been told that if I obeyed my parents, I was obeying God? It was the right thing to do, so I applied and proceeded to prepare to attend that college. As I did this, God changed my parents hearts so that they actually wanted me to go the ministry college. We all knew that going to the ministry school was where God wanted me to be. God had simply tested me to see how far I would go to follow Him. It was not a comfortable life lesson to learn, but it was necessary. 

The important life lesson I learned that summer of my senior year came back into play a year ago. My husband and I were facing two choices. We had prayed extensively about both ministry options. They were incredibly different, requiring different skills with dramatically different people in dramatically different areas of the country. There was no specific reason that we would have chosen either option. But every time we knocked on the door that led us here, it swung wide open. We followed God.  He led us here. We wouldn't have chosen it for ourselves. He chose it. He asked us to follow Him, so we did. 

I have decided to follow Jesus, no turning back, no turning back. 

How far would you go to follow Jesus?

Prayer Request

Dear Friends,

Please be in prayer for my husband & I today. God put a burden on our hearts months ago. It is an emotional burden... A heavy burden that we do not bear but must still live through. My husband and I are workers. When God lays a burden on our hearts, we immediately jump into action. But this time, we were totally dumbfounded. We had no idea how to act and have simply waited for God to move. We have waited for several weeks and now - today - we will know a little more. Maybe today we will know the next step. Maybe today we will know that God just wanted us to be willing to obey Him. Maybe today we will know if we need to wait more. I don't know. And that is why I ask for prayer.

The Lord's will be done. Not mine, not my husbands. Where He leads us, we will follow.

- Kay

Modesty Minimums

A few days ago, I had mentioned that we, as the pastor's wives, have to look the part and dress above the average. But we also have a responsibility to set the standard for modesty. The women in your church are going to dress according to the temperature of your personal modesty. You know it's true...

I want to suggest some "modesty minimums." I totally understand that everyone has different modesty standards. My modesty standards might be too low for you, but then again my modesty standards might be way too high for you. That's not what this is about.

Business professionals have a minimum dress code. Certain restaurants and events have a minimum dress code. It is logical that a Pastor's wife would have a minimum dress code. These are some guidelines that I stick to. As a result I have never been in a situation where I was "under-dressed" or immodest.

Please keep in mind that these are the minimums that I personally recommend. I would never think down on you if you dressed more or less than these. If you are looking for suggestions, here you go:

(The goal here is to help the men at church. Some of them quiet honestly struggle with their thought lives. I don't want them to be distracted by me - the pastor's wife, while they are at church. Where they should be able to focus entirely on God and grow so that those struggles are no longer an issue.)

1. All skirts must come to the knee. Not above the knee. Not an inch above the knee. To the knee. 
2. All shirts or dresses have sleeves. Keep the sleeveless at home, on vacation, anywhere but at church. Thank the Lord for sweaters, shawls, and blazers! (By the way, I love my sleeveless shirts on a hot sunny day.)
3. Keep the cleavage or shadows of such covered. Get a couple of tank tops in a variety of colors and a handful of safety pins. Jcpenny has some great tank tops without the built-in bra. They are easier to pin higher than those shirts with the built-ins. I like to use these under low shirts and dresses and loose shirts if I am going to be bending over in the nursery. Actually come to think of it, I almost always wear a tank top... They make me comfortable.
4. Keep the bra staps hidden. Again, safety pins can be your best friend. If you have a particular bra that likes to slide to visibility, just pin it out of the way. Men will notice and be thinking about those straps, long before any woman will notice. Let's help the guys out, ladies!
5. Sit with your legs together. You would be amazed at how many different angles people can be at, where they can see when a lady's legs are not together. Keep them together. And if you must cross, cross at your ankles. Crossing your legs, one knee over the other, minimizes circulation and can lead to vericose veins. No one wants those. And it is pretty easy to be sitting immodestly and not even know it. Your skirt could get tucked in the wrong place, and you could be showing off far more leg than you ever intended. 
6. Sky high heels really should be off limits. Not because they aren't cute, but because those heels were designed for one specific purpose - to draw the eye up the leg. I do not want any man's eyes running up my legs. Not all heels should be off limits, just those ones. An appropriate pair of heels with a "normal" non-ankle breaking height can actually help slim a lady. 
7. Keep the clothes loose. Note that I didn't say baggy. Someone said that you should wear clothes that are loose enough to be discreet, but not so loose that you can't tell you are a woman. If your clothing bunches around your chest (or your stomach) or is forced to stretch around your back, it is too tight. But if two people fit in your clothes, they are probably a little too big. (Shopping time!)

You might not agree. You don't have to and I don't really expect you to. But please think about your modesty as you get dressed for church. Think of how your clothing will affect the men in the congregation, not how the ladies will look at it. Ask your husband. He knows what gets him excited, so he surely knows what gets other men excited.

Remember you (we... this is for me too) are dressing to bring honor to the Lord. 

Looking the Part

If you are anything like me, you probably spend more than a few minutes every day and/or week trying to get ready for church. It's not just about putting on clothes and going to church. It's about looking the part.

Everyone has these crazy expectations about their pastor's wife. It ranges from how many minutes after the services you spend talking... to how you raise your children... to what you wear on a weekly basis. And, oh, the variety in that category alone!

As if you weren't putting enough pressure on yourself to at least look decent at church, the entire church family is carefully watching and scrutinizing... and commenting.

So now we deal with expectations, yet are still stuck facing the standard struggles - budget, ever changing fashions, ever changing body shape, modesty, function in the nursery or and the adult services, and on the list goes.

And somehow through that all, we still have to look the part. We have to be the pastor's wife. The identifiable leader. The example.

(sigh...)

So much pressure!

So how do we do it? How do we look the part?

Dress Above the Average.
A very common leadership dress standard is to dress a step above the average. Unfortunately it is almost always applied to men's wardrobe. If the average wears jeans and a polo, you wear khakis and a button down. If the average wears khakis and a button down, you wear dress pants and a tie or sports coat. If the average wears the sports coat or tie, you should be in both or a suit.

That gets the idea across, but we have to apply it to a woman's wardrobe.

Note: I am 100% convinced that a pastor's wife should wear a skirt to church. Not that she has to live in a skirt (I would be in trouble already), but that she should wear one at every church service. This automatically sets a standard and exhibits leadership.

If they wear casual:
Casual cues being denim, casual pants or bermuda shorts, t-shirts, sneakers or loafers, or anything that you could easily leave church and be comfortable in at a picnic, backyard barbeque, or children's event.
You should wear: a comfortable-type fabric skirt, a shirt appropriate for a casual dining restaurant, at the mall, or at a friend's house. Something that would easily be accessorized with jewelry (and look good). Flats, or sandals.

If they wear business:
Business being suits, suit separates, and office appropriate dresses.
You should wear: something that they would expect to see their boss wearing, walking into an important business meeting. Track down those pencil skirts, blazers, and heels. A word of advice: The acceptable business attire of today is very different than the acceptable style of the 90s or 80s. If you are handy with a sewing machine, you could alter those old clothes and turn them into modern styles.

If they wear dressy:
Dressy being dresses or very nice skirt & shirt combinations. Attention to accessories like jewelry and shoes.
You should wear: Dresses or very nice shirt & skirt combination. It's hard to one-up in this category, but if you make an effort every week, it will be noticed. Wear the jewelry - it doesn't have to be wild or loud. All of this can be accomplished by paying attention to details.

My personal style would be a blend of business and dressy. It's pretty much the standard in the Northeast. But the standard here in Small Town, South, is the casual end of each clothing category. It's been a learning curve for me to "dress down" so as not to make people totally uncomfortable. Some of my beautiful dresses have ended up in the back of the closet, reserved for special occasions such as weddings, dinners, special services or funerals.

You have to adjust to wear you are. If that means dressing up, dress up. If that means dressing down, do it. You are the leader and the example. Take the plunge. Dress the way that is appropriate for your church.

Look the part.

Hello World

I just want you all to know, that my name is Kay. Not just "Mr. Wonderful's wife." Not "the youth pastor's wife" or the "new girl." I don't mind being called those things, but do you know my name?

Do you know what I enjoy doing? Do you know what I think about? Do you know anything about me, other than my husband's job description?

Growing up I had a very healthy knowledge of the well-known ministry "Fish Bowl." As a staff kid, I all but lived in it. The boundaries were there and I was happy to live in them. When you have an awesome church as I did, it was no big deal to be in the fish bowl. 

When I became the youth pastor's wife at a different church in a small town in a different part of the country, suddenly it was a whole new fish bowl... and I do not like it. 

Do you ever feel like that?

That people are polite and kind on the outside, but want nothing to do with you because you are a pastor's wife? Suddenly the dynamics of every conversation change when people find out that I am a pastor's wife. 

Please understand. I love this job. I love the calling that God has placed on my husband's life and the calling that has brought me to love it as well. 

But I also want people to know that I'm human too. I want to get to know the ladies at the church. I want to be a person too. I just want someone to want to spend time with me. Maybe go shopping with me or out to lunch or chit-chat about devotions or interests. Not just comment on the fact that I better be at some ministry event, or that I am expected to do something or run/start some ministry, or be expected to pass 16 messages on to my husband.

Hello world, my name is Kay Christian, and I am a person too. 

Helping My Husband

Prior to becoming a youth pastor’s wife, I was a full-time administrative assistant and a part-time school teacher, and a Sunday school teacher. My job, aside from teaching several classes, was to plan and organize and make my boss look good. I was used to having a big say in everything and it was my responsibility to see that it got done.

When we moved to Small Town, South, suddenly I found myself working a few hours a week doing odd jobs for the pastor. I was thankful for my job of course, because it meant our impossibly budget went from impossible to just tight (…and it gave me something to do). But I missed being needed and useful and having purpose.

The important thing for me to remember though is I have a new job – being a youth pastor’s wife. I am a support to my husband’s ministry, a representative of the church to the church and the community, and a wife. That’s a big job! 

Here are some ways that I can help my husband:

1. Pray for him. 

He has to preach a few times each week. He needs wisdom to deal with teenagers and their problems and parents and their problems. He has to plan and prepare for upcoming activities and events. He has to fulfill any other duties that might fall under his job description (like building maintenance, hospital visits, etc.) Plus he has to be the husband and bear the spiritual responsibility of that, perhaps a father depending on your family. Not to even mention the other things he is responsible for. And he has to do ALL of that being the happy, fun, spiritual guy that everyone expects him to be. That's a lot!

2. Encourage him.

Like we just said, your sweet husband has a lot on his plate. Sometimes his work can be difficult or discouraging. A lot of guys are high on the love language of words of affirmation, meaning you need to encourage him as often as you can. Tell him how much you enjoyed his Sunday School lesson, or what you learned from his sermon, or how excited a teenager was to spend time with him, or the great things that the parents said, or just how much you love him, spending time with him, and grateful you are that he works so hard and is such a godly man. Anything that you can say that will encourage your husband is what you need to say. 

I make sure I say these words of encouragement at the same time as holding his hand or squeezing his hand, or giving him a hug, or with a hand on his shoulder. These two love languages combined (words of affirmation & physical touch) speak volumes to my husband and they are what he needs. 

3. Don't complain. 

Living in Small Town, South, and adjusting to all its insane changes have been really hard for me. Although I haven't always done the best at this, I'm going to throw it out there anyway.... Don't complain. It's only going to make him feel bad about the decisions that he has made about being there, and he will feel like he isn't doing enough to make you happy. It will only discourage him. 

4. Look good for him.

So it can be tempting to wake up in the morning, and pretty much look the same at the end of the day... Sloppy and messy and not in top form... And when your husband comes home, he does notice. But he will notice and appreciate it more if you fix your hair, do a little light makeup, and spray some perfume. Oh, and change out of the pajamas. I want my husband to come home at the end of the day and think that I am the most beautiful woman in the world. I also want to do what I can to help him come to that conclusion. 

5. Take an interest in the teens.

At church and youth activities, be involved with the activities. Be as interested in the people your husband works with as he is. Talk with them. Ask about their lives. Be interested the things that they are interested in. This isn't just your husband's job. Youth ministry is your job as well. 

6. Take care of your responsibilities.

On a daily basis, keep up with the things that your husband expects you to do. Keeping the house clean, making the bed, doing the laundry & ironing clothes, paying the bills, washing the dishes (my least favorite!). I don't know what your husband expects you to do, but do it! He works hard every day, possibly with difficult individuals. Don't make him work on you too! 

Do what you need to do to help your husband. Every man is different. The things that I do to help my husband might not help your husband at all. But one thing is for sure, ladies, they need our help!